The Truth About ‘THE ONE’

Irrespective of who we are – our education, wealth status, race, religion – we all have one deep desire at the bottom of our heart – to love and to be loved. Of course, we want other things too such as good looks, more money, respectable job, opportunities to travel the world etc but at the core of all these desires lies the fact that we all want to be loved by that one special person.

 

The idea of having that ‘one’ person sounds magical. Almost like a dream come true. It means having that ‘one’ person in life who is like our messiah, our savior, our best friend, our soul mate, our perfect partner and companion – a person who makes us forever happy and never disappoints us.

And this is the problem.

Can it be practically possible for one single person to fulfill all our needs? To be always trying to make us happy? To always understand what we are trying to say? To never, never ever, disappoint us?

Lets flip the coin.

Are we capable of doing all of the above? Can we promise to someone that we will always understand him (and his silence)?

We may try our best to be there for the other person but we can’t guarantee forever happiness.

No one can’t. Why?

Because we are humans.

It is natural for us to have expectations from others and feel disappointed when those expectations aren’t fulfilled. It is natural for us to blame others when angry and that hurts the other person.

Since we all are humans,  a perfect-forever-happy relationship becomes a myth and so does the idea of finding ‘The One.’

 

Of course there are people who understand us better than the others; who are more accepting of us with our flaws; who genuinely like us more than the others but there is no one single person who can outnumber the all others and fill all the voids of our life.

In fact, it is cruel and silly and immature to expect one person to take control of our life. It is simply not practical and nor it is a good idea to follow.

We all look for ‘The One’ because we want somebody else to fill a gap of our own life. We are afraid of facing our shortcomings and thus want others to accept us blindly without ever raising a finger on our weaknesses.

Moreover there is so much of peer pressure of getting into a relationship and projecting it to be a happy relationship that we blindly step into the game without thinking much about it. Such rush in settling down in relationships only gives us heart ache in the long run.

However, the truth is – your happiness is of your own making. No one else can create it for you. Others may help you in cultivating it but you need to figure it out on your own. Being in love is a wonderful feeling but it is not for ever. Friendship lasts longer. Trust has more longevity than romantic love. True love is possible. But having that ‘happily-ever-after’ kind of love is asking for a little too much.

Real love requires real knowledge about one self. First get to know yourself. Learn about your egos, insecurities, weaknesses and strengths. Learn to love yourself – the way you are. Realize that more than a happy tomorrow, a happy now is important.

Invest in your present. Once your present is full of love and appreciation for yourself, your future will be emotionally safe and secure. And for this you won’t need a superman. You would just need a good man. A man who is kind, compassionate, trust worthy and someone who lets you grow.

Stop finding that elusive ‘The One.’ Instead look for a companion who believes in your growth. Who lets you be you. Who takes pride in your achievements and who isn’t insecure in himself.

That right perfect partner is only in your mind. In the movies you have watched and the novels you have read. In reality, we have humans. Real people who make mistakes but who try their best to love us.

Find a partner you can share your innermost worries with. Who listens to you when you can’t listen to your own self. Who knows your deepest fears.

Finally, remember that all relationships are hard work. All of them. To have a happy relationship, more than that special person you need an attitude to make it work. Any happy couple will tell you that they worked it out with resilience and trust and forgiveness.

Don’t look for magic right away.

Look for the ability to find magic in small, little things. Once you learn to accept things the way you are, you will feel the magic in the air. And then ‘The One’ won’t bother you much.

Your Mini Guide: The BEST Ways To End Unhealthy Relationships

Many a times we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships. They suck the happiness and joy out of our lives and make us feel trapped and miserable. These unhealthy and failed relationships are not always the romantic ones. These can exist between friends, parents-children, siblings or even coworkers. 

Often we tend to stay in such relationships due to various reasons. We do come across the cross roads of ‘leaving’ or ‘staying’ in them but we find it hard to leave even though we know we are in a rut. So how do we then break this pattern? This circle of knowing that we should immediately leave but we still don’t leave? How do we end these toxic relationships that drain us completely without giving us anything in return? 

Recently I found myself dealing with people who pretended to be my friends and well wishers in front of me but didn’t shy away from back stabbing at the first opportunity they got. 

Initially I was in a state of shock and denial. I couldn’t believe it happened to me because I thought why me? Why would someone try to belittle me? But then I realized that this world is full of different people and they work with their own motives. 

I am glad I recognized them soon and decided to park myself away from them. I made some deliberate efforts to stay away from them. Blocked them from my contacts and reduced the communication with them to mere greetings. 

Initially it seemed a little awkward to leave the conversations right after greetings when you are used to having long chit-chat sessions but now that I am over it, I find myself much more peaceful, productive and positive as a person. 

This wasn’t easy for me to do but it didn’t seem impossible too. In fact, I wasn’t very close to these people so it was a little easier for me than it would be for some of you who are in deep, committed relationships. But trust me, it only seems harder. Once you get to break free from it, it becomes do-able. 

Here are some of the tried and tested ways to end unhealthy relationships. 

1. Acknowledge that you are in an unhealthy relationship

When it comes to breaking out of rut, denial doesn’t work. Step out of denial. Acknowledge that things are not right and that you are in a toxic relationship. Unless you accept that it isn’t an enriching relationship, it won’t help. 

How do you know it is toxic? Ask yourself the following questions: 

• Does this person’s presence make me feel good about myself?
• Do I want to spend more time with him right now?
• Does he encourage me to do better in life without belittling or crushing me?
• Does he add to my life or deplete from it? 

Answers to the questions above will tell you if you should stay back or make a run right away. 

Believe me it all starts with this one step. Tell yourself that you need to break free and rest will follow.

2. Just get away from it

Once we decide to leave, we still often loom around it. We continue to respond to their texts, calls and meet them as and when the need arises. These abrupt connections and communications do not let the break ups happen and after a while we get back to square one. 

Break this pattern. Just get away from it. Stop responding. Do not communicate. Take a break. 

You do not have to block the person literally but try as much as possible to avoid him. If you keep dwindling between minimizing the contacts and being in contact, nothing will come out of it. Such relationships have us deeply entangled which is why we find it difficult to end them. But to do so, you have to take a break. Get away from it as far as possible. 

3. Identify the voids and fill them

Now that you are away from the person, find out the holes or gaps this person’s absence has left in your life. Most likely it will be a need to talk to them. 

In most cases, we become over dependent on such people and that leads to our weaknesses which makes us unable to stand up for ourselves when such people drain us out. 

You are not in contact (or in minimum contact) with them anymore, so identify the voids. Fill them with alternatives. Move on. 

If he or she was your go-to friend to vent out your frustrations, replace them with a journal. Start writing in a diary.

If you depended upon them for sharing your dreams and aspirations, do not miss them. Instead, make a plan. Make a strategy to fulfill our dreams. 

In my case, this friend was someone I would hang around casually whenever I was free. Mostly during the evening walks. I wouldn’t say I missed her when I decided to get away from her but yes, I had to find a companion for evening walks. And would you guess who I found? Music on my phone and that works very well. 

Our lives are amazing. If you look around, you will find beautiful alternatives that help you in achieving the purpose of your life. Just look around and find better alternatives. 

4. Consider the pros and cons

Although this isn’t really needed but once you take a drastic step, it is always better to look back and assess and introspect things in hindsight.

What makes you feel better about yourself – writing a journal or confessing things to a person who later takes it against you?

Do you feel stronger as a person now that you lean onto yourself more than on them?

I am sure once you begin to revel in your own company, you will find it more fulfilling and enriching than anything else.

I am at much more peace right now than I was when I had these ladies around me. We may not realize the pros right away but it is a good practice to do a balance sheet kind of analysis of things when you take a decision like this. It helps in realizing what was missing in our lives earlier.  

5. Stand up with yourself

Once you take a decision, do not go back. Own you decision. Back it up with your support. I understand ending any kind of relationship can be painful and may leave you heart broken but remember that you did it for yourself and not for anyone else. Remind yourself that it will help you in carving a better future of yours. 

Things may seem difficult to sail sometimes but if you have the support and love of yourself, you will do much better than you expect from yourself. 

6. Do not hold grudges; forgive them

Holding grudges against someone is never healthy. And if you hold something against them, then you are not out of the unhealthy relationship yet. 

Bless them for good. Wish goodness for them as you wish for anyone else. Throw away that emotional baggage. 

I understand it isn’t always easy to forgive people but practicing compassion makes it possible. Tap into that reserve of kindness inside you and get rid of any kind of resentment or hurt that you have been harboring.  

Feel free and un-trapped and thank them for teaching you some great lessons. It is only because of them that you are now a little wiser than before. 

7. Learn from this relationship

I am of the firm opinion that no relationship is a waste of time and emotions. Every relationship teaches us something. 

Now it is time to learn from this one. How did you get into this unhealthy relationship? Or when did it become so toxic in nature? What made you stay in this rut for so long? 

Seek answers to these questions. Once you have the answers, learn lessons from them and try your best to apply the learnings in life. 

We are humans. We all make mistakes. But a wise human being is one who learns from his or her mistakes and doesn’t repeat them. 

8. Become emotionally self reliant

Becoming emotionally self-reliant is not only important to break away from such unhealthy and unhappy relationships but it is also crucial to be able to derive happiness from within; to be able to have more meaningful relationships in future. 

Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net has written a very detailed post on becoming emotionally self reliant. He recommends ways to feel more gratitude in life and being at peace with one self. 

I have noticed immense positive changes in me since the time I changed my outlook towards life and started looking at it more positively and with gratitude. 

When we are emotionally stable and self reliant, we become our biggest source of emotional dependence and thus do not over depend upon others for our emotional needs. This saves us from getting into toxic relationships in future and helps us in cultivating enriching relationships. 

While there is no sure shot rule of living one’s life, the above tried and tested ways have worked well for me in the past. I have gotten rid of many unhealthy and detrimental relationships in the past and I assure you that while it seems difficult in the beginning, with high resolve it all falls in place after sometime.

Developing a Relationship

Nita was recently married and had started living in a joint family with her husband and in-laws.  After a few days, she started to realize that she is not able to get along with her mother in law.  Nita’s mother in law was conservative whereas Nita was liberal with modern lifestyle.  Soon they both started quarreling due to differences in opinions and lifestyle.    As days and months passed, none of them changed their behavior.

Nita became very aggressive over the time and started to hate her mother in law.  She started to think about how to get rid of her mother in law.  Once, as usual, when she quarreled with her mother in law and her husband took his mother’s side, she became where angry and left to her father’s home.  Nita’s father was a chemist and she told him about everything that’s been happening.  Then she pleaded with her father that give her something poisonous, so she can mix it up and give it to her mother in law to get rid of her, else she won’t go back to her husband’s home.

Nita’s father felt pity at her situation but told her, “If you give poison to your mother in law, you and I both will end up in jail.  It is not the right thing to do”.  But, Nita was in no mood to listen and understand.  Finally, her father gave in.  He told her, “Ok, as you wish but I don’t want to see you in jail, so do as I tell you”.  Nita agreed.  Her father brought a powder and told her, “Everyday when you make a lunch or dinner, just mix a little pinch of this powder in your mother in law’s meal, since the quantity will be less, she won’t die quickly but will slowly in few months and people will think she has died naturally”.

He also told her, “Because no one should have doubt on you, from today onwards, you will not fight at all with your mother in law but instead you will be very caring towards her, even if she says something which you don’t like, you will not be rude, you will simply be polite only”.  Nita agreed thinking she will be free from her mother in law’s quarreling in few months and came back to her in-laws and as advised by her father, she started mixing the powder in her mother in law’s meals and behaved very caring and polite whenever her mother in law said something.

As time started to pass, Nita’s mother in law’s nature also started to change.  Because Nita was being very caring towards her, she too started to be affectionate towards her.  Five months passed and Nita had been mixing the powder but atmosphere of the house was changed.  There were no quarrels, both were praising each while talking to neighbors.  They got very attached to each other like a mother and daughter.  Now, Nita started to get worried thinking due to the powder, her mother in law may die soon.

She ran at her father’s home and told him, “Dad!  Please give me the antidote to cure the effect of that poisonous powder you gave!  I don’t want to lose my mother in law, she is just like my mom and I love her very much”.  Her father smiled and said, “Which poison?  I had simply given you a sweetener!”

Moral:  Each person is different which may be due to their own circumstances.  This can often lead to many differences.  However, we must try to understand each other and adjust a little to make a healthy relationship with each other.  And, when such differences arise between persons, it is the duty of their loved ones to keep them calm and guide towards the right path

the giving tree

Once upon a time in a village, there was an old man named Jerry.  He hadn’t seen his son for few years and wanted to meet his son who lived in a city.  He started his journey and came to a city where his son used to work and stay.  He went to the place from where he used to get letters long back.  When he knocked the door he was excited and smiled with joy to meet his son.  Unfortunately, someone else opened the door.  Jerry asked, “I suppose Thomas should be staying in this place.”  The person said, “No! He had left the place and shifted to a different location.” Jerry was disappointed and just thinking how to meet his son.

He started to walk in the street and the neighbors asked Jerry, “Are you looking for Thomas?” Jerry responded by nodding his head. The neighbors gave the present address and office address of Thomas to the Jerry. Jerry thanked them and started towards the path which will lead to his son.  Jerry went to the office and asked at the reception counter, “Could you please tell me the location of Thomas, in this office?” The receptionist asked, “May I know how you are related to him?” Jerry responded politely by saying, “I’m his father.” The receptionist said, Jerry to wait for a moment and rang up to Thomas and conveyed the same. Thomas was shocked and told the receptionist to send his father to the cabin immediately.

Jerry entered the cabin and when he saw Thomas, his eyes were filled with tears. Thomas was happy to see his father. They had a simple conversation for a while and then Jerry asked Thomas, “Son! Mom wants to see you. Can you Come home with me?”

Thomas responded, “No father. I can’t come. I am very busy working for my success and it’s hard to manage a leave to visit as my hands are full with loads of stressful work .”  Jerry gave a simple smile and said, “Okay! You may do your work. I’ll be going back to our village today evening.”  Thomas asked, “You can stay for few days with me. Please.”  Jerry responded after a moment of silence, “Son. You are busy with your tasks. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or become a burden for you.” Continued, “I hope if ever had a chance to meet you again, I would be happy.” He left the place.

After a few weeks, Thomas wondered why his father came alone after a long time, he felt bad for treating his father in a weird manner.  He felt guilty for it and took a leave in office for few days and went to his village to meet his father.  When he went to the place where he was born and grew up, he saw that his parents were not there.  He was shocked and asked the neighbors, “What happened here? My parents have to be there. Where are they now?”  The neighbors gave the address of the place where his parents are staying.

Thomas rushed to the place and noticed that the place was like a graveyard. Thomas eyes were filled with tears and started to walk slowly towards the place.  His father Jerry noticed Thomas in a far distance and waved his hand to draw his attention.  Thomas saw his father and started to run and hugged him.

Jerry asked, “How are you?” and continued, “What a surprise to see you here.  I didn’t expect that you would be coming to this place.”  Thomas felt ashamed and kept his head down.  Jerry said, “Why are you feeling bad.  Has anything wrong happened?”  Thomas responded, “No father” continued, “It’s just I never knew that I would be seeing you in this position in our village.”

Jerry smiled and said, “I had taken a loan when you moved to a city for your college to pay for your education, then again when you wanted a new car,  but due to a loss in farming, I couldn’t repay the loan. So I thought of approaching you for a help, but you were very busy and stressed with your work.  I just didn’t want to burden you with this problem and remained silent and I had to let go of our home to repay the loan.”

Thomas whispered, “You could’ve told me. I’m not an outsider.”  Jerry turned around and said, “You were very busy and stressed with your work which made me remain quiet.  All we wanted was your happiness. So I kept quiet.”

Thomas started to cry and hugged his father again.  He apologized to his father and asked to forgive him for his mistake.  Jerry smiled and said, “No need for that.  I’m happy with what I got now.  All I want is that you spare some time for us, we love you very much and at this old age it’s hard to travel to see you often.”

Moral: Parents will always be there and give everything they could just to make you happy. We take them for granted, we don’t appreciate all they do for us until it’s too late.  When you find a path of success in your life, carry on but don’t leave your parents behind as they are the true reason of your success